Can you think of a time in your life when you had to make a decision about which path to take? Kind of like Dorothy in The Wizard Of Oz – “Which way do we go, Toto?”

Every day we’re faced with choices. Most are about the small things in life. But sometimes you come to a major crossroads in life when you are faced with a decision that could alter your life significantly. I came to a realization about myself recently that shed some light on who I am and on how this part of me has caused certain upheavals throughout my mostly adult life. I am an Empath.

The Empath Discovery

The definition of an Empath is someone who is able to absorb and take on the emotions and energy of someone else – so much so – that we feel their feelings in that moment, and their mood becomes our mood. Empaths are generally sensitive and kind-hearted and want to help other people. Empaths also tend to be very trusting and choose to see the good in people. The intent is genuine, and the manipulative, gaslighting narcissist, or passive-aggressive person can pick up on that. We have something they want. But would you invite someone like that into your life if you knew who they truly were at the beginning? Of course you wouldn’t.

Many times there is a mental health or personality disorder tied to this behavior that is not easily recognizable when we first meet someone. It doesn’t usually reveal itself until the person is already entrenched in our life, and we are not in a position to easily get out of the situation. That is the curse.

The way people with the aforementioned disorders insinuate themselves into our lives is to “love-bomb” us with compliments and things that we want to hear. This behavior continues for months until the “ugly” comes out. Then the gaslighting or passive-aggressive behavior starts. They try to make you doubt yourself or tell you that you’ve said things you never said, most times under the guise of someone who is “concerned” for you. The manipulation is so subtle at first, that you sometimes find yourself questioning your own memory and decisions, which is their intent. This is a form of emotional abuse, particularly in male-female relationships.

Which is why I was taken by surprise when I invited a female acquaintance to come and live with me in my house as a way to help both of us financially. Around the four-month mark I started seeing the person change the way they behave. Boundaries that weren’t being respected. Passive-aggressive behavior. I had always had these types of experiences with men, so it wasn’t even on my radar to associate that this could happen with a female friend.

I always try to lead everything back to relationships in my blog posts because I consider them one of the most important things in life in which to invest our time. Whether investing yourself in your kids or grandkids, being a foster parent, volunteering with youth or the elderly, working with your partner to have a great marriage, or doing the work it takes to develop the trust needed to sustain good friendships, investing in people is a risk – but one that can bring great rewards.

That’s why it can be hurtful to us, and even harmful, if someone in whom we’ve invested our time, energy, and sometimes even money, does something to betray our trust in this way. It can be for financial gain. It can be because someone doesn’t have a healthy self-esteem and tries to elevate themselves by bringing others down. It can also be a manifestation of a childhood trauma or verbal abuse that was suffered, for which that person never sought counseling or healing from the past. And the destructive behaviors continue.

If you have ever encountered such a person in your life, what would your path forward look like? If you are continually attracting these types of people into your life and you wonder if something might be wrong with YOU, go easy on yourself.

I usually try to keep my blog posts very positive, since there is so much negativity going on in the world right now. I have chosen to talk about such personal experiences because mental health issues have moved even more to the forefront due to restrictions placed upon us in this last year. I especially want young women to understand this type of relationship for what it is so that you can protect your hearts from allowing a person who is so unsafe emotionally into your inner circle.

These people always paint themselves as the victim. They will never acknowledge that they are the common denominator for most things that have gone wrong in their lives. Multiple traffic altercations that are never their fault. Blame placed on doctors for health issues for which they should have taken responsibility, and the gradual loss of family and friends who keep their distance to avoid continual drama. It’s always someone else’s fault. It’s always the other person who has to do the changing in order to make THEIR life better.

Because of a few previous experiences I had, I was able to recognize the red flags as soon as they started to wave with my housemate situation. “Not again,” I told myself. “Not another person who is exploiting my good nature for their own selfish agenda.” It was then that a light bulb went off. Or that God revealed to me why I kept attracting these types of people into my life. I started doing some research and following people on social media who had similar experiences.

I thought about each previous situation. How those relationships started, the timeline of when things started to unravel, and how I seemed to be absorbing their energy and took on whatever mood it was they displayed as my own. My intention was to be a positive force in their lives and just the opposite happened. It was then I realized my “gift” of Empathy.

Where Do I Go From Here?

We are all wired a certain way and are given spiritual gifts and personality traits from our Creator. Some of them, special as they are, can feel like a curse at times. It is usually in the valleys that we do our deepest reflection, and this past year certainly provided enough time in which to do that. Just when we think we know ourselves better than anyone, there is always something new to discover, and I certainly discovered some new things about myself during this time. That is the blessing.

Now that I understand the previous (Em)paths I took throughout the course of my life, I can better discern my future (Em)path. Knowing what I now know about myself, I will handle prospective relationships and potential friendships differently. It doesn’t mean I’m closing myself off from people emotionally. But I think that when a person has been SO emotionally available and attuned to others, there also have to be healthy boundaries and a protection of one’s own heart and emotional well-being. The realization is a blessing.

If you have never done that with people in your life, be prepared for some pushback when you finally do. Other healthy people will respect another’s boundaries. But when you start acting differently and have boundaries without reacting to people the way you once did, be prepared for an emotional reaction. Be prepared for a “fight” or for more manipulation and words that may be used to hurt you and make YOU look like the unreasonable person. If you continue to stand your ground and stay strong, you may find that some of these people will leave your life because you are breaking the unhealthy cycle. Or that it’s you who chooses to be around them less, which will be difficult if this person is family. That is both a blessing and a curse.

As with any behavior pattern that you have, where you keep repeating the same thing over and over but are not getting any different results than what is negative, I would urge you to seek counseling for it and to read books from some great authors, one of whom is Dr. Henry Cloud. (See website link below)

https://www.drcloud.com/

Once you start to understand what it is about YOU that draws unhealthy people to you, you can better learn to draw the necessary boundaries about who and what you will allow into your life.

Ask Yourself These Questions:

1. Does the person get defensive when I try to find out more about a certain area of their life?
2. Have I ever been to the person’s house to see the way they live?
3. Have I been included in any outings or met any of their other friends or family members? If not, why are they keeping me away from other people who know them well?
4. Are they their favorite topic of conversation? Do they always have to make themselves look good in every situation?
5. Are they extremely complimentary and attentive when you first meet them, saying and doing everything you want to hear, but after several months you begin to notice changes in how they treat you for no apparent reason?
6. How does the person deal with conflict resolution? Is it in a mature, emotionally healthy way that seeks to find common ground? Or are they defensive, playing the blame game, turning the tables on you to get the attention temporarily off themselves (this is usually the only time they DON’T want the attention on themselves)?
7. They are one extreme or the other –

Either they are very controlling and manipulative in a demonstrative way

Or

They hold in their emotions instead of discussing something with you, then start exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior to let you know you’re doing something they don’t like?

The list could go on, but it is important for each of us to be around people who lift us up and who add value to our lives. That’s not to say that they should say everything we want to hear if WE are exhibiting behavior that warrants a discussion. But if you have the right kind of people in your life, they will speak the truth in love to you instead of treating you in the previous ways I described. That is the blessing.

LOVE YOURSELF enough not to make excuses for the bad behavior of others, just because you love them or because you want to be in a relationship, even if it’s not a good one. You deserve God’s best for you. Anything else is just a distraction to keep you from being what God intended you to be – His child whom He gifted as a unique creature to fulfill a purpose in life that only you can fill.

And THAT is a blessing!